The Book


We can also communicate without words, or as we like to call it, “non-verbal connection.” One example is: Penny and Jason who were good friends. They had not declared themselves to be in a relationship, but had known each other for about a year and had developed a nice comfortable friendship. Penny found herself spending much of her free time with Jason and visa versa. So this year on Valentines Day, which happened to be a Saturday, even though they were not in a romantic relationship, Penny decided to purchase a nice plant for Jason and took it to his home.

Penny knew that Jason was at work, but left the plant with one of his roommates. Penny did not know that while she was at his house delivering her Valentine’s Day gift, Jason had arranged to have flowers delivered to her. When she finally arrived home, her mother told her that the lovely flowers she saw on the stereo were for her. Talk about being connected! From that point on they were inseparable.

Another example, Silas and Nicole had dated for a year. Nicole always knew when something was bothering Silas. The night before, Silas and Nicole made plans to go out to a movie and dinner. The night of the date, Silas was more than thirty minutes late picking up Nicole. Silas wasn’t himself. He always appeared to be happy when he was around Nicole. Nicole asked, “Is everything OK? You’re really late; did something happen?”

When Silas didn't reply, Nicole thought back to the evening before and remembered that Silas had mentioned to her that he was going to stop by his sister's house before picking her up. His sister had something for him to do for her. Nicole, knowing that his sister was jealous of their relationship, wondered if Silas and his sister had an argument.

So, Nicole asked Silas, “Did your sister upset you?” Silas then replied, “We will talk about this later.” Nicole wanted this evening to be fun and less tense, so she tried to respect Silas’ wishes and didn’t express her own feelings. (WRONG!)

While riding in the car, Nicole suggested that they go to their favorite spot at the park. She wanted to talk in private and thought that being at the lake might help. Silas ignored Nicole’s suggestion and continued to drive until they arrived at the restaurant where he wanted to have dinner and then go see a movie afterwards. During dinner he apologized for being late.

They were quiet on the drive back to Nicole’s home. She realized that this issue needed to be resolved. Nicole tried to explain to Silas how honesty means a lot to her, especially in their relationship. She wanted him to understand that he could trust her. She also expressed that if they could not be honest with each other, then maybe this relationship should not continue.

Nicole was not honest with herself. She made the choice to avoid the real issue. If she had been honest with herself by expressing her true feelings about what the real issues were that they were facing, then maybe things could have been resolved that evening (non-verbal connections).

Sometimes relationships continue only to end, because both parties avoided resolving the real issues by not being honest with one another.

This solution probably could have been resolved if Silas has been honest with his partner. However, he chose to shut down completely instead of addressing the real issues. We call this the non-verbal connecting method.

The correct combination of verbal and non-verbal communication is key to any lasting relationship, but remember physical communication is also important.

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